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| The International Squatter's Symbol |
Gather 'round children, and listen to a story about my friend Kellie. Kellie lives in a house. She works from home, as a graphic artist, writer and photographer. Her landlord is a client of hers. She is in charge of finding roommates to help pay the rent. Kellie recently kicked out some roommates who were not too clean, and didn't know how to take care of their cats. Yikes! The people who moved out, knew someone looking for a place to stay. A woman by the name of Suzanne. Kellie desperately needs roommates so she decided to meet Suzanne. Now children, let me tell you about Suzanne. She is a middle-aged woman, about 5'3" in height, with crusty platinum blonde hair and dark roots. She has what I call a "muffin top". A "muffin top" is what happens when someone is too big to fit into the pants they wear, so they wear them lower on their hips, and the pants are too tight, so their fat sticks out all around their waist, like a muffin top. Yes, Suzanne has a muffin top, people. Not just any ordinary muffin top, oh no. She has the worst kind. She wears tiny tank tops that don't cover her stomach, so all the stomach fat is completely exposed to our eyes. And it hurts to look at it. Anyway, Suzanne told Kellie she wanted to rent the guest house. The guest house is a bedroom with a closet and a bathroom, and a separate entrance from the actual house. She asked if she could pay lower rent in exchange for gardening and maintenance. That sounded fair enough to Kellie. As it turns out, there is a lot Kellie didn't know.
According to California Law, squatters have rights. They have the right to squat and not pay rent if they have done something like gardening or maintenance for the landlord. Ah, but alas, there is a lot Suzanne doesn't know either. The law says that squatters can inhabit an uninhabited piece of property, not one that has people living in it. At least, that's what I've read. Also, a squatter has to prove that they have been sleeping at the place they are squatting and keeping their things.
This woman, Suzanne started doing gardening, and had a garage sale to get rid of some of her things, and hadn't paid rent yet, even though she had already moved her things onto the property. Kellie had loaned Suzanne a bed to put in her room, but Suzanne had never once slept on the property. She would go to her boyfriend's house each night. Suzanne came by the other day when Kellie wasn't home, and changed the locks on the guest house and the shed in the backyard! Without asking. She thinks she knows everything but she doesn't. When Kellie said she couldn't do that, she threatened Kellie, saying she would burn the house down, and all kind of other things. Sounds like Suzanne has lost her marbles, huh? Her boyfriend blocked the driveway with his "rapist van" so Kellie couldn't get out. By the way children, a "rapist van" is a van that is usually white or black in color, although they can be just about any color. Usually, it's a van with two vertical opening doors in the back, and either tinted or no windows at all. Stay away from these vans, they most likely have someone inside who wishes to do you bodily harm! Hence the term, "rapist van". Kellie called the police, very frightened, and of course it took them an hour to get there, and of course they said there was nothing they could do. They told Kellie not to touch Suzanne's things, but they told Suzanne to leave for the night. That's when Jason and I got a call from Kellie.
The next day, Jason and I went to Kellie's house. Kellie informed us that she had called a detective. The detective asked what the woman's name was, and when she told him, he knew who she was! We thought that was weird, but it wasn't. She is a known squatter, and of course, quite the drug addict. Makes sense. The detective said he was on his way. About 20 minutes later, he and his partner arrived at the house. Children, I would like to introduce you to the detectives. A burly, tall, black man, with a .45 strapped to his waist. His partner, a shorter, Hispanic man, with a suit coat on. Very nice men, both of them. They asked questions, and talked to the neighbors who were able to attest to the fact that Suzanne had never once slept at the house. Since Susanne isn't as smart as she thinks she is, she didn't realize that she should've found a way to lock the windows to the room too, and she could've put a much sturdier lock on the shed, if she didn't want anyone getting in. The detectives advised Kellie to take pictures of all of Suzanne's things where they were, and to move all of her things out of the room and shed onto the back patio, and take pictures of it all out there. Those wonderful men, who have higher authority over the police, what with knowing all the laws and stuff, well, they saved Kellie that day.
As soon as they left, we got to work. We broke in through the window of the room and opened the door to find the most random things a person could ever supposedly want. Basically, it was obvious that most of her things were stolen. There were kid's toys, because she had said she was a part time nanny, there were crystal bowls and many other items that looked like they belonged to an elderly woman, which was because she supposedly also took care of old people...from whom she stole things I guess...Anyway, there were golf clubs and speakers, old lady outfits, phonics help books, like 4 different vanities, just all kinds of crap. Same thing with the shed. We broke in rather easily, since the lock was practically falling off anyway, and found many more strange items. We carefully started taking everything and putting it out on the patio, hoping that Suzanne wouldn't happen to show up with her boyfriend while we were doing this. It's all about teamwork, children. You can get so much more accomplished, much faster with the use of teamwork. We were like a well-oiled machine. Passing things to each other, organizing them properly outside. It didn't take us too long, and Kellie put a note that the detective left for Suzanne up on the door to the guest house. The note basically informed Suzanne that he knew about her being there, and that it would be best if she didn't cause any trouble, and just take her things and leave. He signed it with his name, because she had had many encounters with him already, and he hoped that upon just seeing his name, she would reconsider her actions and threats. We then also changed the locks. Not only to the guest room and shed, but to the entire house. The was quite an ordeal, because they were tough to make fit in the doors, and we worked at that task for hours. So much for the well-oiled machine...Jason and I were on the brink of fighting about how to get the locks to work, and Kellie couldn't get hers to work either. Now children, it's imperative that you understand it's not right to argue when trying to finish a task. It makes things much harder on everyone involved. Around dusk, we finally got the locks installed properly.
The detectives had also told Kellie that after putting her things outside and changing the locks, she should call or text Suzanne telling her what went on and that the detective had been there and said hello. Sure enough, when she got the next call from Suzanne, she was as nice as she could be! She informed Kellie she would be coming to get her things in a day or so. From what I understand, she packed up almost all of her things and said she would be back to get the last of it later. I believe there are still a few things there that Kellie is storing outside, and if they get ruined, well it's Suzanne's loss, not hers. She hasn't heard from her since.
Well kiddies, Kellie's squatter story is coming to an end. This whole thing was a little unnerving, knowing that almost anyone can walk up to your house and decide they want to stay there, and actually DO it. They even have website for professional squatters! They tell you all about what your rights are, and what to do when someone tries to kick you out! What in the hell is this world coming to for God's sake? Overall, I am glad we were able to help Kellie, and none of us got our asses kicked by weirdos. Ah, the crazy people we attract...It's like a running gag now...But so far, she is living happily ever after? I guess we are too? Whatever...
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